Accepting who you really are...not so easy always

I have known pretty long that I'm pain puppy. That has been hard thing for me to accept truly and live in peace. It also has been something I have been able to put side most of the time since I haven't done much playing with anyone so far. This spring changed that when I went to meet my Ma'am and got my first taste from playing  and how much I loved it. And now on the summer I had my first play where there was actually pain inflicted for real...and I loved it as I suspected that I will do. At that point I really had to work through my issues with accepting this side of myself.

It has been easy to accept that I'm submissive and it didn't much work to come in peace with it that I'm little but it really made me work that I'm masochist that loves pain and rough play. I know that my last play time wasn't all that rough but it how good it felt and how it really didn't push the limits as much as I thought it would do...all that tells me that there is a lot of boundaries to be streched still and lots of room for heavier play. And that has been really scary thought for someone with background with self harming. Making difference between good pain and negative pain has been real hard. In the same time I have been happy that it has been hard though beause it has made me think where the difference is and stay safe. Something I think is not so said to be happen always when you deal with other issues in your life. Playing and pain can easily come continuation for something that happened in past. So yes I'm happy that I stopped to make the difference between the two and worked through my issues with accepting the whole pain puppy thing.

Now I think I have opened can of other type of worms though....can't wait next play time and what all fun it will bring. ~grins~

about me...

I'm me...submissive, little and sister. I'm on journey to find out what that means on real life and how to reach my dream from family. It's not always easy but so far it has been worth of all the work it has demanded.

When I started this journey few years ago I thought that I'm just looking a Dom who will take care of me and use me in the way he wants. How wrong I went with that thought. Truth is that if anything this has been journey to find who I'm really and why I want to be part of this lifestyle that is minority and judged in many ways in normal world. This choice is not something I can share with most people in vanilla world, including my blood family, but in the same time it's a choice that has given me a permission to be honestly that person that has been hiding inside of me for so long. It has also given me answers to it why some things have gone as they have in my past. It has also helped me to accept who I'm and the choices I have done earlier.

While I have walked this path already couple years I'm still very new to lot of things and in beginning of my journey and this blog is supposed to be from the thoughts the journey brings up. This is not fifty shades of anything...it's one story from real life.